One man's lifelong struggle with a crippling sexual addiction is another man's casual joke. It's wild to be in a room full of people who all barely know each other when the conversation somehow lands on mukbang. Everyone always adds onto it with their weak understanding piece by piece until they get the full picture, the punchline, that "some people make porn out of it". Sometimes I wonder what they've seen. How have they been exposed to this world? Many times have I perused the "public internet" and seen pictures/videos of Boberry or Layla or someone of a similar popularity, only in a different light. To the passerby, she is a nobody. A helplessly fat soul like the rest of them gracing their feed for a quick laugh, ego boost, or maybe a little weight loss encouragement, but certainly not for sexual gratification and all the other feelings that come when *we* see a fat person. And for most, the train of thought ends there. Sometimes I wish I could reduce my understanding of this sexuality to "mukbang porn". I wish it was as simple as watching someone eat and feeling a wholesome, strange but innocent attraction. I wish it was as simple as seeing a fat girl and not minding that she's fat, exploring her weight no further in the revolting cauldron of thoughts we call libido. But, to be here, to call yourself a feedist, it isn't that simple for you. It's complicated in ways you can't explain to most. For me, anyways, I would feel ashamed describing my sexuality to anyone I respect. It's a sick, depraved, degrading way of thinking about women, mental health, and love. It's oh-so unfortunate that my biggest kink inherently demeans my partner... but I can't help it. Nothing gets me going like seeing a morbidly obese woman gasping for air in-between bites. Nothing turns me on like someone so helplessly addicted to pleasure they commit their bodies and minds to it, submitting to a force greater than us both. In a typical BDSM relationship, a person is submitting to another person- a feederism control dynamic, however, is an individual battle, one where the "dominant" is simply a facilitator of the almost divine force of addiction. How sweetly ironic that I am addicted to the latter. These people do not know the history as we do... These people do not understand nor feel it... It's insane to them. Outlandish, like scat and beastiality and incest- I understand now that, to everyone else, feederism is among them. I would have loved so much to be the guy in that room who knew, more than anybody else, what was going on. And if it was anything else I would have been! Yet, perhaps my biggest interest of all remained far behind loose lips as it has all my life. And they say I don't know oppression.