That night stuck with little eleven-year-old me. It was exactly the heart-to-heart that I needed to handle my fucked up life. Most girls that age feel vulnerable, self-conscious, and anxious. But getting a sneak-peak into what a beautiful and talented woman I would grow into went a long way towards tackling those difficult emotions. It wasn't a gift that normal girls got, and it was one I promised myself that I would use earnestly.
It gave me a whole new perspective. I loved music, but now I knew that it was my future. I felt comfortable practicing my art, begging my parents for vocal and guitar lessons, and spending all my free time making amature covers and totally cringe youtube garbage because I knew that it wasn't just some stupid waste of time. I didn't fret about my fashion identity like other girls my age because I'd seen first-hand what was supposed to define me. I was fun, feisty, and so ever-the-fuck foxy. I was a total bad girl.
The other kids had no idea what they were yet, so it gave me the confidence to forgive their petty bullshit and make friends. I fought with my mom a lot, but I never let their divorce define my childhood. My future defined me! I just had to follow my heart and wait for it to all come true.
Now, I *did* put on a little weight over junior high school. Gym class in Los Angeles public schools is sort of, like, voluntary in the sense that no one gives a fuck if you just phone it in. As long as you look like you're following along in warmups, no one cares whether you actually *do* the situps.
I had better shit to do than run laps, and I figured out pretty early on that I could just duck out halfway and no one would come looking for me. I spent the extra time writing song lyrics or playing nice with my friends over IM or whatever. Needless to say, I was a squishy kid. But it wasn't, like, a *problem*.
Back-to-school shopping freshman year of high school was the first time I actually broke down and bought L-sized jeans. I'd been an especially lazy little couch-potato that summer and I remember fighting so hard to get my usual mediums up my thick, squishy-soft thighs. I had to go one leg at a time, neatly pinching and sharply tugging. I even managed to get them over *my* ass, and even at 15 that was a lowkey accomplishment. Unfortunately, even my mom couldn't get them buckled and believe me: We tried. Sucking it all in just didn’t cut it anymore. Letting it all slouch out was even worse, especially in front of my mom. She legit laughed, but I was fucking inconsolable.
I couldn't start high school in fucking fat girl pants, you know? I was supposed to be the cool badass, not the chubby fatass. We went to three different stores before my mom gave up. I wanted to keep looking. She made me buy what fit. She said it flattered my shape more, anyway. This is going to sound stupid, but for the longest time I just sort of assumed jeans were *supposed* to give you a muffin top. Like, that's how you knew they were tight enough. They lifted that sloppy booty and shaped those healthy thighs, right? It wasn't until halfway through high school that I realized you just needed to buy looser pants. Or I mean, you *should* buy looser pants. A girl isn’t doing herself any favors fighting against her dress size.
But to 15-year-old me freaking out in H&M because my mom wouldn't at least take us back to urban outfitters to get my style? Those L's were the end of the fucking world. I'm ashamed to say I legit ugly-cried. Right there between the racks of $30 one-pieces that wanna-be bourgie girls buy because they're too poor to replace the lack of a personality with branding.
I did buy them, though. I wore them, too. They were comfy. No more flashing panties when I sat down, so... that was nice? Plus, they weren't like *ugly*. They were tight and black and ripped and cool, just like me. And technically, no one *knew* what size I was wearing. When the first few days weren't the apocalypse I'd been building up in my head, I just sort of let myself be okay with it. After all, I was only a few pounds heavier than last year. And I was only a few pounds heavier than the year before that.
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